The Ex-Factor
I don’t date much. Really, I haven’t been on a date in over a year. I’ve always wondered why i can’t ever get guys to ask me out.
Best Guy Friend: It’s because guys are intimidated by you.
Me: Really? How? What do I do wrong?
Best Guy Friend: No idea. Maybe you are just scary.
Me:…Very helpful…
So I decided to delve into the minds of my ex-boyfriends. I wanted to see what they had to say about me. I won’t use real names in order to protect their identity. Instead I’m going to use names of people that my exes remind me of. Let’s get started with my first boyfriend.
Eminem: I didn’t even like Amy. I only dated her to get back at my ex. Amy was sweet though. Too sweet. She wouldn’t even make out with me. She was way too innocent.
Since when is innocence a bad thing? Besides, that was the seventh grade. I was shy back then. Okay, moving on to my next one.
Kevin James: Amy was my best friend before we dated. She was very sweet, but she was too scared of my mother. She ended up breaking up with me because she was too scared of what others would think.
He was my longest relationship. Seven months. Seriously. I suck at relationships. He was right though. Back then, I was more concerned about what other people thought. I dumped an amazing guy just because other people laughed at our relationship. Oh, and his mom pretty much despised me.
Bill Gates: Amy was silly and fun. We were close friends before we ever dated. The only bad thing I have to say about her is that she’s a bit cowardly. She broke up with me over the phone.
Yes, an uber-lame move. It was the summer! I didn’t want to go on a date with him just to break up with him. I realize that was an awful way to do it, but I was in high school. High schoolers are cruel.
Hugh Grant: Amy flirted with other guys way too much. She always said they were “just friends”, but it was just too annoying to try to compete.
Okay, I’m a bit of a flirt. I only flirt with guys that I don’t like though. Does that make sense at all? Probably not. I mean, I flirt with guys who I know don’t like me and who I know I don’t like. Therefore the flirting means nothing. That ex just got a little too carried away. I had never been called a slut more in my life than when I dated him.
Ben Stein: Amy was too sarcastic. She never took anything seriously. She could be really mean and hurtful.
Wait a second. Mean? Hurtful? I don’t think so. Yes, I am extremely sarcastic. I’m sorry that you couldn’t take what I said to be a joke, but whatever. I was never mean. Yes, I am always playing around. However, I know how to be serious. At times.
Robert E. Lee: Amy talked too much. She explained things that didn’t need to be explained. Not too mention, she got too attatched.
Um….I really have nothing to say to that one. I do tend to talk a lot and ramble on about things. Attachment? Maybe. Don’t know. However, I do know I’m not clingy. Lastly….
Alan Rickman: Amy had commitment issues. She wouldn’t commit to me the way I wanted her too.
Okay firstly, I have to say RIP to that last ex. He passed away a few months ago. However, yes I did have commitment issues. He proposed to me after only a month of dating. I’m sure most people would have issues with that.
So what did I learn from all this? Good things first. I’m sweet, innocent, silly, and fun. Bad things. I care too much about what other people think, I’m cowardly, I flirt too much, I’m sarcastic and mean, I talk too much, I get attached, and I have commitment issues. No wonder I can’t get a date.
So…uh….how YOU doin’?
