Idiot’s Guide to Surviving in a Horror Movie: Amy Edition
1. If you see an abandoned house/barn, don’t go into it! Those places are like a safe haven for serial killers. If you have a death wish, by all means go and explore it! Oh, and if you have a friend that is dumb enough to go in there, well I certainly wouldn’t advise you to go in after them. More than likely, they are already dead.
2. If a killer is after you, don’t run upstairs or into the basement. I don’t care if you lock the door behind you. The killers always have ways to get in. Unless you are going to jump out of a two-story window, which is stupid anyway, then I wouldn’t advise you to run upstairs.
3. Don’t provoke the killer! I never understand why people do this. They just stand there yelling and insulting the killer. You know what tends to happen to these people? They are interrupted mid-rant by an axe to the forehead. So really, it’s just better to keep your mouth shut.
4. Don’t go anywhere alone! I never understood why people always wander off from the rest of the group. I mean, what are you going to accomplish by yourself without the rest of the group? Oh yeah, you get murdered.
5. Don’t ever underestimate your enemy! If there is a locked door, window, wall, or anything else in the way that you think he can’t get through, more than likely he will find a way! So don’t just sit in a room with the door locked just because you don’t think he can get in. That would just make it way to easy for him to kill you.
6. Just because the killer is down for the count doesn’t mean he is dead. I mean really, why in the world would you try to poke him just to make sure he’s dead? Killers in movies are like superhuman and can pretty much survive anything. So…I wouldn’t go anywhere near the supposedly dead killer.
7. Don’t trust anyone. The killer could any one of those people you call your friends. Even if you are in the room with one of them while the killer is there. Guess what? There could be TWO killers!! Wouldn’t be the first time. What is it with all the attractive guys in the movies being the psychos anyway?
8. Keep your cell phone charged! You never know when you are going to need it…like to call for help when all the power is out! If you have a bad battery, well then that’s just sad day for you, isn’t it?
9. Protect yourself. Find a weapon. Anything that could come in handy. A knife, fire poker, bat, lamp, broomstick? I mean really, get creative if you have to! Anything can be used as a weapon nowadays so it shouldn’t be hard to find something.
10. No debauchery. It’s always the people drinking, doing drugs, and sleeping around that die. So if you stay away from those things, it will definitely help your chances of surviving.
11. Be paranoid. Carry around a mirror to help you look around corners if you have to! You never know where the killer could pop out next. So always be cautious.
12. Don’t go outside or into another room just because you hear a noise or if you already know the killer is there. That’s just plain idiotic. That’s like coming out into the open and saying “Here I am! I’m ready to be murdered now!”
13. After you escape, don’t look back! Don’t try to go back because you think he is dead…or gone. More than likely, that’s not the case. I mean, why would you want to go back anyway?
14. Have an IQ over 5. Come on! You know what I’m talking about! Stop answering the phone and acting stupid when someone calls you 80 times breathing heavily and asking you what your favorite scary movie is!
15. (This one is for my mother.) Bring Macaulay Culkin with you…because he survived Home Alone. The boy survived through a holiday in house by himself while burglars were trying to break into his house. Learn from him, and you will survive. :)
